09/01/2008 - 3:57 p.m.

I know I don't write in here very often (mostly on IAM), so here's a brief catch-up...

-Went to the London Tattoo Convention with a streaming cold. Therefore, didn't enjoy it;
-Entered NaNoWriMo in November and WON!! The novel itself (an autobiography of my life the way I wanted it to be) is not finished;
-Told Tom at the start of December that I was 'attracted to him'. Big fucking mistake. Next day - accusations that are now on my work record. For the record, 'inappropriateness' (which I admit to) does not equal harassment.
-Worked throughout Xmas and NY (only Xmas Day/Boxing Day/NYD off).

Things with Tom are now much cooler. It's safer for me to only talk to him about work issues for now. To me, it comes across as being cold and unfriendly, but to the team it comes across as an acceptable state of behaviour.

But I still cry at night about it. My self-esteem has plummeted, even though I have fought to maintain it. Becasue he doesn't see me as the attractive, lively and generally ace person I thoguht he saw me as, I don't feel like that person either. It was a mistake bringing Carrie anywhere near this, due to my insecurity.

But I am still in love with him. I still gaze at his long dark eyelashes whenever I speak with him; I still feel happy whenever he is near; I would still do anything that he asked of me. I am doing what he's asking of me, which is basically leaving him the hell alone. It's not just for his benefit, it's for mine too.

What really hurts here is that the cold, icy, professional face i have now created for myself at work thanks to the sitiation is now the only face that the team will accept of me. No room for my personality, emotions or a bit of a laugh; just the cold coolness. And it makes me so so upset that that is the only way they will accept me. In the latter half of my time in the job, every part of me was labelled as 'iappropriate', 'unacceptable', 'wrong'. I am so used to gettign to know my work colleagues and seeing them as 'workmates'. Now, I know they have no interst in me beyond 'work colleauge'. it's hard not to take it personally.

Every day I sit next to this beautiful boy who i love and who feels nothing for me in return. I may as well have fallen for a brick walll for all the good it is doing me.

I thought he accepted me for the person I am...maybe he does, but not as someone for socialising with after work...I don't know what he's thinking, and I don't want to know. Similarly, I am not interested in divulging my thoughts to him. I do not want him to know how much this has hurt me and knocked my self-esteem.

...I dreamt twice last night. In the first dream, I was walking in a shop an dthis lad (about 14, white, short) was clinging next to me and calling me 'n----r'. I grabbed him and told him to fuck off; I nearly wrung his nexk, but I was scared of beign kicked out of the shop. He kept insultign me, and I think I punched him. I hope i did.

The second dream had me, Tom and a few other people were on a night out, and we were sitting down when Tom made a joke about him having to wake me up. I (equally jokingly and slightly flirtatiously) said something like, 'How would you wake me up?' The air turned cold, and I could tell Tom was not happy with what I had said. I said 'that was slightly inappropriate of me, Tom, I'm sorry'. He took both my hands and he said...I can't rememeber what he said in this dream, but I still felt like shit, as if I was the one to have fucked it all up again. I said to him 'I can't believe I've fucked things up again; I am so so sorry, please forgive me'. The group then walks into a theatre and I walk in to find a spare seat next to Tom. I sit next to him, but move the seat a bit away from him so that I'm at a safe distance for him. And then the dream ends.

The alarm went off at 7.45 (went to bed at 10.15 last night) and I couldn't get out of bed at all until 8.30, despite needing to leave the house at 8.50 (day off work, you've guessed - so glad I didn't have to go in today with the way i'm feeling). It's a cloud that does not seem to lift. it desended as soon as I awoke and it has been there since.

Why can't people accept me as I am? Why can't I accept me as I am? What is it about unrequited shit that is so depressingly crap? Why can't someone I like like me back in return? And why would I do anythign for someone who would not do the same for me in return?

And that is my 2008 so far.

�

previous - next

Now it is one - 03/02/2008

RIP: The soul of Leeds - 18/01/2008

Happy new year and all that - 09/01/2008

Ten years of independence - 16/09/2007

Googlepops and Tom <3 - 08/09/2007